


Ping, Bing, Dong

by awolfling



Category: Merlin (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst, Insecurity, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-25 17:21:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4969681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awolfling/pseuds/awolfling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>It’s slow at first, the doubt. The first interview Bradley sees Colin do, where Colin glosses over how well they get along, Bradley doesn’t even notice. But the second time it happens, something pings inside Bradley, a tiny jolt of uncertainty</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ping, Bing, Dong

**Author's Note:**

> This was posted aaaaages ago on Live Journal under my old username plain_jane08.

It’s slow at first, the doubt. The first interview Bradley sees Colin do, where Colin glosses over how well they get along, Bradley doesn’t even notice. But the second time it happens, something pings inside Bradley, a tiny jolt of uncertainty. He ignores it, carries on being his loud self, “Oh myself and Colin” this and “Myself and Colin” that.

 

Then Colin gives his stock answer again, “Yeah we get on well but really everybody gets on great with everyone, so...” and the ping inside Bradley, previously an ignorable blip, turns into a bing, a warning bell of doubt. Bradley tells himself that it’s just Colin’s way. He’s a private kind of guy. They still get on great, laugh on set, play pranks. Nothing to worry about. He can’t help the flush in his cheeks and wobbly feeling in his stomach at the thought of Colin not feeling the same- But he won’t think about that. Because it’s _Colin_ and he and Bradley are as thick as thieves. Bradley feels a bit like an idiot.

 

But then… well, it’s probably nothing, but Colin seems to be spending more time with the other cast than usual. It’s nothing big, it’s just, they usually have lunch together. And that day Colin had lunch with other people. People who weren’t Bradley.

 

And then Colin does yet another interview where he gives the same enigmatic answers and Bradley can’t ignore the feeling anymore, that maybe Colin isn’t as fond of Bradley and Bradley is of Colin.

 

So when Bradley next goes to find Colin in between takes he can’t help but notice the little sigh Colin heaves when he looks up from his script as Bradley starts talking. The thought that Colin doesn’t like Bradley’s company pulls painfully at Bradley’s chest and he ends the conversation quickly, retreating to a safe distance where he can contemplate his troubles.

 

Bradley withdraws slowly, deliberately, to see if Colin misses him. Colin doesn’t seek him out when he sits elsewhere at lunch, or find him in between takes and it occurs to Bradley that all of their interaction seems to be entirely fuelled him, and not Colin. And he watches Colin, talking to other people, laughing, joking, giving those real smiles that make his eyes crinkle so wonderfully. He doesn’t seem to notice that Bradley’s not there. And then, when Bradley goes up to him to talk about the next scene, Colin smiles at Bradley, but it’s a fake smile. The smile doesn’t reach his eyes, in fact, it barely shows his teeth and Bradley stops mid sentence when he realises that he’s getting ‘Merlin’s smile’, the smile that Merlin makes when he’s taking shit from Arthur and clearly thinking “You arse” even though he won’t say it. It’s like the dong of a church bell, clanging in his ears, this horrible, truthful thought that Colin is- is- _acting_ with him. And god, Bradley didn’t realise how much something like this could hurt.

 

Bradley tries to pull it together, finishes speaking, carries on as normal. Except he can’t stop thinking about Colin and how stupid Bradley’s been to think that Colin was actually his friend. It’s clear to Bradley now, that Colin just puts up with him. Colin’s a professional after all, probably acted like a friend for the sake of the show. He’s a good actor; he had Bradley fooled. And, Christ, Bradley feels fucking stupid, to think that someone as great as Colin could ever be friends with someone like Bradley.

 

Bradley who bumbles through most conversations and makes a fool out of himself at every opportunity and he clearly isn’t smart enough either, nowhere nearly as smart as Colin. Fuck, how Colin must laugh at Bradley. Probably goes home every night and just laughs at how daft Bradley is. Bradley can almost hear him saying, “Poor Bradley, he thinks I’m his friend.”

 

Bradley messes up take after take after that. He can see Colin is getting annoyed and it only makes it harder to focus on the scene, but it’s the end of the day and the director calls it quits for the night. Bradley doesn’t speak to anyone, just gets changed as quickly as possible and heads back to the hotel room. He’s angry, mostly at himself, for being an idiot. He barely sleeps that night.

 

After that, Bradley just stops. He stops trying to engage with Colin, he stops thinking about the fool he made of himself, or tries to at least. He throws himself into his work, determined not to mess up, ever. He might be a blind idiot, but he refuses to be the jerk that ruined _Merlin_ for everyone because he let personal shit get in the way of work. So he remains calm, professional, during the day. Aloof, but no one seems to notice (which Bradley doesn’t want to admit, hurts. A lot.) But every night he goes back to his hotel room, alone, disconnected, and he crumples. Collapses exhausted onto the bed, tired from the farce that he’s become. He feels raw, emotionally bloody, and so enormously, frighteningly open that it makes him terrified. Which is exactly why he needs to keep the façade up, because if anyone were to touch him he’d fall to pieces.

 

+

 

It works for a while, Bradley’s new aloof professional persona. In fact, he even benefits from it, he connects with Arthur more, understands him so much better now that he’s just as removed from the people around him as Arthur is. He understands Arthur’s loneliness and he understands Arthur’s devotion to his job as prince. Arthur buries his emotions, mostly for the good of Camelot (sometimes because he doesn’t know how to deal with them), just like Bradley.

 

Bradley even manages to patch up some of the wounds and going home alone isn’t as awful as it once was. It still hurts when he pokes them; when he thinks about Colin, but he’s taught himself not to think about that and most of the time he succeeds.

 

That is, until one day when they’re filming a scene between Arthur and Merlin. It’s one of those scenes that the writers gift the audience with every now and then when you see past Arthur’s figurative armour and glimpse just how much Arthur cares for Merlin. Bradley thought it would be ok, thought his own personal armour would be thick enough to do the scene and have it not feel likes his heart was being pulled out of his chest.

 

He was wrong, of course. (Isn’t he always?)

 

Colin is playing Merlin being his usual wounded but resolute self after another heartbreaking and near death experience and Bradley, playing Arthur is trying the ‘let’s make light of the situation and tell Merlin what a bad servant he is’ approach. And then Merlin, Colin, is giving _that_ smile. The one that says, “you’re an arse” and Arthur, Bradley, is supposed to sober a little and give a comforting smile and then ruffle Merlin’s, _Colin’s_ , hair. And Bradley can’t do that, even if Arthur would.

 

Bradley freezes, can feel his face go pale as all that hurt that he’d buried flies to the surface and fuck it hurts even more now that it’s been left to grow unchecked, to fester. He’s not sure for how long he’s frozen but then all of a sudden he’s moving, walking off set, and he can hear people calling after him but he can’t stop now because if he does he’s sure he’ll break down and that _cannot_ happen.

 

So he walks, quickly, without a destination in mind except _away_.

 

And then he stops, because he’s far enough away and because he can’t really see what’s ahead of him because his eyes have gone misty. He takes a deep breath, tries to gain some control and then Colin’s voice comes from behind him, “Bradley,” and Bradley flinches because it’s too close and too soon and Colin can’t see him like this; so pathetic.

 

Colin places a hand on Bradley’s arm and Bradley pulls away like he’s been burned. “Don’t.”

 

“Bradley,” Colin says again, communicating so much in one word, ‘talk to me’, ‘what’s wrong’, ‘I’m worried about you.’ And Bradley looks at Colin’s face and he looks so concerned and sincere, but Bradley knows he can’t trust it. He’s sure Colin’s just here to get him back in the studio to finish the scene.

 

So Bradley relents, takes another deep breath and says, “We should get back and finish the scene.”

 

Bradley expects Colin to agree, to look relieved. But he’s wrong again.

 

“No.”

 

“No?” Bradley’s confused.

 

“Bradley,” Colin sounds concerned, but there’s a tilt to the tone that Bradley interprets as exasperation, “There’s obviously something wrong, do you want to talk about it?”

 

And God, Bradley can’t believe what he’s hearing. How can Colin act like he cares? It’s bad enough that he played Bradley for a fool, but then to act like a friend after weeks of not even bothering to talk to him! Bradley’s angry now.

 

“Do you know what, Morgan? You can stop this bullshit!”

 

And Colin stammers, looking hurt and confused and HOW DARE HE!

 

“I know, ok?! I’m not stupid despite what you may think!”

 

Colin looks scared now, which doesn’t really make sense to Bradley but he ignores it.

 

“I know that you don’t actually like me, did you think that I wouldn’t figure it out? I just-” Bradley’s voice wobbles and his eyes are moist, he blinks and continues, “I know I’m never going to be good enough,” and the anger’s gone now, the deep deep hurt taking it’s place, “I just don’t understand why you went and acted like my friend in the first place. What possible reason did you have?”

 

Bradley’s crying now, unable to stop the tears from flowing and he tries desperately to breathe normally but only succeeds in holding his breath. He looks at Colin and he doesn’t understand what he’s seeing… Because Colin looks deeply upset and his eyes are glittering with tears. Bradley expected smug and triumphant, not this.

 

And then Colin’s reaching forward and Bradley doesn’t have the energy to pull away.

 

“Oh Bradley,” Colin says, gently wiping Bradley’s cheek with his thumb and then resting his hand there, cupping Bradley’s face. “I do like you.”

 

Bradley shakes his head in denial, more tears spilling down his cheeks.

 

“I do,” Colin says softly, other hand snaking to the back of Bradley’s and gently pulling him forward.

 

And then Colin’s kissing him and Bradley feels like he’s dreaming because there’s no way this can be happening. But Bradley responds anyway, kissing Colin back because _this_ this is what he’s always wanted but never, ever, allowed himself to think about. It’s crazy, the idea that Colin would want to kiss him, even when Bradley thought Colin was his friend, let alone when he found out (thought?) that Colin had tricked him. But Colin didn’t trick him, did he? Because there’s no way anyone would be kissing someone like this for a joke… And then it hits Bradley that he was wrong. Again. Wrong to think that Colin would never be that cruel.

 

Then Colin’s pulling away and Bradley heaves a sob, both because he doesn’t want Colin to stop (to leave him) and at the realisation that all that hurt was brought on by himself because his stupid insecurities.

 

Colin pulls Bradley into a hug and Bradley buries his face in Colin’s neck, clutches at his back, wanting to be closer, to know that this is real. Colin strokes Bradley’s back and cards his fingers through Bradley’s hair.

 

“Shhh,” Colin says, “It’s ok. I’m here. It’s alright.”

 

Bradley sags against Colin, relaxes for the first time in weeks. Colin guides them to the ground, settles Bradley against him and carries on comforting him.

 

After a few minutes Bradley calms down and knows that he has to pull away, they’ve still got a scene to film and they can’t sit around in the- Bradley looks around- car park, all day. So Bradley gives Colin one last squeeze and then pulls back. Colin lets him go, but still keeps his arms around him.

 

Bradley’s about to suggest they head back when Colin starts speaking.

 

“I’m sorry you thought I wasn’t your friend, Bradley.”

 

And that’s when Bradley notices that Colin’s been crying as well. Clearly not as much as Bradley has, but still, his eyes are red and his cheeks are wet.

 

This time Bradley wipes Colin’s tears away. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. It’s just, in interviews you always glossed over how well we got along, and I know it’s because you value your privacy, but then you seemed like you stopped wanting to talk to me and well… here we are.”

 

“I’m an idiot,” Colin says, “I stopped seeking you out because, well, I developed this enormous crush on you and I never thought in a million years you’d feel the same way, so I distanced myself, thinking it would help me get over it. And then you stopped talking to me and I thought it would be for the best. But well, obviously not.”

 

“We’re both idiots,” Bradley says, shaking his head.

 

“But we got there in the end,” Colin replies, before kissing Bradley again, just a short slide of lips this time; tender.

 

“We’d better head back in,” Bradley can’t help but sigh a little.

 

“Yeah,” Colin agrees and they both get up and head back towards the studio.

 

Bradley’s still a little subdued and when they go back on set the director storms over towards them. Before he can start shouting at Bradley, Colin steps in front of him.

 

“We’ve sorted it out now. Everything’s fine,” Colin says in a tone that brooks no argument.

 

The director’s taken aback but nods and Colin and Bradley resume their places.

 

Just before the director calls action, Colin whispers to Bradley, “Come to my room tonight?”

 

“Action!”

 

And then Bradley, Arthur, is looking at Colin, Merlin, with that barely concealed love and ruffling his hair.


End file.
